


Turn It On Again

by krikkiter68



Category: IT Crowd, The Thick Of It
Genre: Bicurious Moss, Bicurious Roy, Bisexual Nicola, Biting, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Fluff and Crack, Gay! A Gay Musical, Het, M/M, Morning After, Pansexual Malcolm, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Screaming, Slash, Swearing, Vampire Roleplay, hangovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-07 00:14:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11611905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krikkiter68/pseuds/krikkiter68
Summary: In which the very stressed, somewhat unworldly workers of  Reynholm Industries wake up next to the very stressed, very worldly workers of DoSAC.  Sparks ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhat influenced by the ending of "Aunt Irma Visits".

Jen woke, reluctantly, her face pressed against the familiar, friendly surface of her pillow. God, what a night, she thought. Out with Roy and Moss and the girls from seventh, and Denholm. Even Richmond, bless him, had emerged, blinking, from his cave to join them.

She turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling. For the third time that year, she didn't remember going home. Though, she did recall some other people turning up, and Roy getting sucked into a drinking competition with a couple of Scotsmen. God knows how he's feeling now, she thought. She exhaled, wishing she had a pack of cigarettes to hand. The last thing she remembered, apart from a pair of strong arms saving her from falling out of a taxi, was dancing the Macarena, every shouted lyric word-perfect, with Moss.

"Sleep well?" said a deep, Scottish-accented voice to her left.

"Yeah, thanks," she murmured.

She froze. She turned her head to see a long, wiry, bare-chested man, wrapped up in her duvet like a present, lying next to her.

"AAAAAAAAAUGGGHHHH!!" she added, "Who the FUCK are you?!"

The stranger raised his eyebrows.

"Malcolm Tucker. Director of Communications for Her Majesty's Government. Ye're Jen Barber, right?"

"How - how the hell did you know?!" Jen whimpered. Oh God, she thought, first shag in God knows how long, and I've already forgotten it! Plus, he works for the government - fuck, is my room bugged?!

"Went through yer purse, tryin' tae get a proof of address tae get ye home, love. Had tae carry ye inside," Malcolm said.

"Oh...thanks. Listen, I don't want to sound forward, but last night, did we, I mean..." Jen said, tailing off, her cheeks burning.

"Did we fuck, d'ye mean? Nah. Ye were completely out of it," Malcolm said. "Wouldn't be right."

"Ah," Jen said, relieved. "Still, that doesn't answer the question - what are you doing in my bed?"

"I was pished, too," Malcolm said, casually. "Almost as pished as ye. Couldnae find my fuckin' phone, couldnae get my bearings, and ye've not got a sofa an' I wasnae gonna sleep on the fuckin' floor. Hope ye don't mind," he said.

He winked at her, and Jen felt her face flushing again. He really was very handsome, in a half-starved, wolfish sort of way. 

"D'ya want me tae leave, then?"

"No!" Jen said, a little too quickly. She laughed, embarrassed. "It's - well, it's been a long time since I've had a man in my bed. Maybe...I dunno, maybe it's because I look a bit like a man? People have said that," she said.

Malcolm raised his impressive eyebrows.

"Fuck - really? Not tae me, an' I've fuckin' been in bed with loads of men."

"Oh - you're gay?" Jen said.

"Nah. I fancy loads of women too. People across the gender spectrum in fact. I'm an equal-opportunity fuck, love. An' ye're a fuckin' beautiful woman, Jen."

Jen blushed a shade that matched her red hair, but she was smiling, too. Malcolm shifted closer.

"So..." he intoned. God, Jen thought, he's got such a sexy voice. "I could go, now, or we could have a nice breakfast and a chat, or..." 

He grinned, and Jen was lost. Hesitantly, she placed a hand against his slender chest. Surprised that he didn't flinch, she slid it further down his slim torso, until it came to rest against the big, solid bulge in his boxer shorts. He leaned in and kissed her forehead.

"Ye're gorgeous," he whispered. "I wanted tae fuck ye all night."

He drew her into a tight embrace and kissed her, fiercely. Several minutes later, she broke away, trembling and grinning incredulously.

"Uuhhh, first things first," she half-gasped, reaching into the drawer of her bedside table and pulling out a packet of condoms. Malcolm kissed her again, pressing his body against hers until she was pinned underneath him.

"Nae need yet, love. I want tae see how many times I can make ye come, first."

And Malcolm held true to his promise, nibbling, suckling and nipping her nipples until she screamed with pleasure. By the time his kisses started descending her torso, she was hoarse. And then, oh then, his tongue deliciously invaded and pleasured her so thoroughly that the tips of her ears turned pink at the memory years later.

Finally, he came up for air, and she lay back, gasping, her hair a red spiky star on the pillow. He leaned in and kissed her again.

"I make that eighteen, judgin' from yer reaction," he whispered in her ear. "Want tae push it tae the early fuckin' thirties, darlin'?"

"Haaaarghhh..." she moaned.

Malcolm slid on a condom whilst simultaneously kissing and fingering her, and in no time she was ready again. He lay on his back, and she giggled deliriously as she straddled him. God, he was huge, she thought as she sank down on him, felt him filling her up to the hilt, and then he rolled his hips and hit a certain spot within her that rendered her incapable of further thought.

Ecstatically, she rocked forwards on him, faster and faster, crying out as he sat up and thrust up inside her, and then she was coming apart, her cries lost in his kisses. She was still gushing and pulsing around him when he flipped the two of them over, hoisted her feet over his shoulders and started thrusting, harder and harder and harder and - 

"Ah, God! Malcolm!!" she screamed.

"Fuck! I'm coming, Jen...!" he shouted.

He collapsed onto her, breathing hard. After a pause, he gripped the base of his cock and the condom and withdrew. Jen lay back, breathless and happy, as the bed dipped. She had almost dropped off when she felt him clambering back in, felt him drape the duvet over her.

"Nap?" he murmured.

"Sounds good to me," she murmured back.

He drew her into a deep hug. She nuzzled his neck.

"I wonder..." she whispered.

"Hmmm?"

"What happened to Moss and Roy. Colleagues of mine. Friends, actually. I'm very fond of them."

"Hmmm," Malcolm murmured. "Ye like them. Ye're lucky."

"Yeeah. And thanks, Malcolm. That was amazing."

"Aye. Ye too. Sleep?"

"Hmmm. Sleep."


	2. Chapter 2

Roy woke in his insanely tiny flat, wincing as a beam of sunlight from a gap in the curtains burned against his face. Bloody sofa bed, he thought, it's way too short. His long feet were almost brushing the screen of his 77-inch flatscreen TV.

Oh God, he thought, pain ricocheting behind his blue eyes, what a night! Why the feck did I drink so much? I thought English people were the worst for boozing, but those Scots I met run them pretty close. I just hope I didn't do anything stupid...

He turned over, and saw the outline of a small figure curled up underneath his Battlestar Galactaca duvet. He could make out an adorable nest of black curls. He smiled, and settled down behind them, embracing their warm body from behind.

"Helloooo, little lady," he crooned against the warm skin of their neck, "did I give you a good time last night?"

The figure turned their head, and Roy found himself looking at massive, beautiful azure eyes, perfect pink lips, and stubble.

"Aye. It was fuckin' great, thanks," Jamie said, grinning dangerously.

"WAAAAAIIIIGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Roy screamed. "Wha' - what are you even doin' here?!"

Jamie, unphased, turned onto his back and smirked.

"Had tae get ye back, didn't I? Ye were fuckin' out of it. Had tae make sure ye're OK, 'cause I'm quite the fuckin' gentleman when ye get tae know me."

"Oh. Uh, thanks fer that. Didn't we...have a drinkin' competition or somethin'?" Roy said, flustered.

"Aye. Ye lost. Ye had tae pay the forfeit, remember?"

Roy felt himself flushing. It was all coming back to him now. Kissing Jamie, in front of everyone, tongues and everything and actually...it had been really, really nice. Jamie was really a very handsome fellow and a great kisser, with a tongue that seemed to stroke his very soul. At that point, Roy's cock, which had been remarkably dormant that morning, started stirring with interest.

"Well!" Roy said indignantly, wishing his voice didn't sound quite so high, "Well, you took advantage of me, didn't you?"

Jamie exhaled.

"Aye. Tell ye what mate, ye want me tae go, I'll fuckin' go," Jamie said.

"I - didn't say I wanted you to go..." Roy said, tailing off. There was no denying it. The guy was really quite compelling, with those black curls and Disney eyes. A wave of dizziness rushed over him, and he moaned.

"Ah - sorry, what was your name again?"

"Jamie."

"Roy. Lovely to meet you. Ah...would you mind holding me for a bit, Jamie. It's just - I feel as if I'm gonna fall off the edge of the world any moment."

"Awwww. 'Course I fuckin' will, sweetcheeks."

Jamie clamped his strong arms around Roy, and Roy felt himself melt, slightly. He wondered why that was. And, as the hug went on, he decided he didn't really care.

"This is great," Jamie murmured, "you're so huge. It makes me feel so fuckin' safe, bein' held like this."

"Oh!" Roy squeaked, blushing. "Ah...thank you..."

Jamie pulled him in tighter.

"Fancy a kiss?"

Roy smiled. 

"Oh - why not? Ah, should let ye know, I've not been in bed with a guy before."

Jamie smiled against his neck.

"Bicurious guys. Christ. Ye're the fuckin' cutest. Kiss me, you bastard," he husked.

And they did, for the longest time. Roy closed his eyes as Jamie's fantastically talented tongue stroked and probed and plundered his mouth. God, he thought, I wonder what else he could do with that tongue. His body reacted, and his erection practically burst through his boxer shorts in response. He whimpered, and felt Jamie grinning against his mouth.

"Think I know what ye want," Jamie whispered, patting his back. "Lie down."

Roy rolled onto his back, watching in amazement as Jamie kissed all the way down his torso, then freed him from the clinging fabric. He grinned up at Roy.

"Do you really want to ohhhhhh GOD!" Roy exclaimed, as Jamie's mouth engulfed him. By the way Jamie's head was moving, and the way his tongue was moving, he'd take that as a yes. He lost track of time as his mind whirled, and rainbows burst in his head as he grabbed Jamie's curls and came, shouting and laughing.

He collapsed back against the pillow, gasping, and he'd almost forgotten it was possible to feel that good.

"Fuckin' good, was it?" came Jamie's voice.

"Hmmmmmm yeah," Roy murmured. "You - you didn't, though?"

Jamie grinned.

"Aye, well, it was yer first time wi' a guy. Didn't want tae scare ye off. Think ye might want tae?" he said, raising his eyebrows.

"Just...give me a bit of time, OK? I need a rest first," Roy said. Jamie grinned, took Roy's hand and laid it against his own pulsing erection.

"Whenever ye're ready, eh?" he said.

Roy smiled back at him, too tired to speak. Later, he thought. There's a first time for everything, after all.


	3. Chapter 3

Moss turned up the collar of his anorak as he walked down the gloomy, ill-lit streets. He'd only had milk to drink that evening, but judging by the way he was buzzing inside, he wouldn't be surprised if it had been ruddy well spiked. He'd seen that happen in films. He looked at his digital watch. 6.48AM, well past his bedtime. There was no way he could go home, his Mum would be ruddy well furious with him. Maybe she'd sue him! Again...

Moss thought and thought, and then his face lit up. Of course, he thought, beaming like a lightbulb. I'll go to Roy's tonight.

He found the key under the huge pot plant next to Roy's front door and let himself in. He walked straight into Roy's room and turned the light on.

"Hello, Roy! You said I could come and stay any time! Well here I am! Would you like a cup of tea or something?"

He looked at Roy's sofa-bed, now definitely more of a bed than a sofa. Wait a minute, he thought, looking at the gasping man writhing underneath Roy's duvet, that's definitely not Roy...

"EEEEEEIIIAGGGHHHHHHH!!!" Moss screamed. "Roy! Roy, what's happening? Why is there a strange man in your bed, Roy?!"

"AAAAAGGGHHH, FUCK!" the man gasped out, oblivious.

"Well, excuse me!" Moss said, huffily. "Will you please mind your language, whoever you are!"

"Jesus...that was amazin'..." the man groaned.

Moss's huge, round eyes became bigger and rounder still as Roy's head emerged from underneath the duvet.

"MOSS!" Roy shrieked. "Moss! Wha' - wha' the hell're you doin' here?!"

"Well, you did say I could always come and stay - "

"Ahhh!" Roy squeaked. "Weeeeellll...it's a little bit awkward just at the moment..." He could feel his cheeks burning.

"Why's that, then?" Moss asked.

"Well, ummmm...y'know, when a man and, and a person who, ummm, may also be a man, love each other very, very much..." Roy started.

"And do you love him?" Moss said, interested. "Hello, by the way," he said to the other man. "I'm Moss. What's your name?"

"Jamie," said the handsome, curly-haired stranger. "Nice tae meet ye. Sorry fer the swearin' by the way. Force of fuckin' habit."

"It's nice to meet you too. Are you in love with Roy? I just thought I would ask."

"...Nahhhh. I'm just usin' him 'til Mr or Miss Right turns up. What about ye, sweetheart?" Jamie said to Roy, grinning maniacally.

Roy demurred, blushing. Jamie grabbed him, twisting onto his back and kissing him.

"Uh," Roy said, once he managed to resurface for air, still pinned underneath Jamie, "it's, it's not really a love thing, Moss. We're sort of wrestling, in a friendly way..."

"Oh!" Moss said, happily. "You mean, you're engaging in sexual activity with a man! Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"Because," Roy said, blushing, "I'm...a bit shy about it."

Jamie patted Roy's cheek, then winked at Moss.

"Would ye like tae get yer kit off and join us, love?"

"I am always open to new experiences," Moss said, beaming. "Is it fun?"

"Oh, fuckin' aye."

"I think," Moss said, "that would translate as an affirmative response."

Moss pulled off his clothes, and then Jamie pulled him down onto the bed. He closed his eyes as the handsome stranger and his best friend took turns kissing him. He had no idea why Roy seemed so shy at first - they had kissed before, after all. He felt light and happy, and then Jamie started stroking a particular part of him, and he felt happier still. He hadn't felt that happy since the time he'd first played Doom, and that had been pretty flippin' exciting. Then Jamie's hand was joined by Roy's, and he felt more and more like a firework streaking into the night sky, getting higher and higher and higher - 

Moss gasped as his orgasm hit him, and sighed in relief as he started descending to earth again. Four arms embraced him, and he felt warm and safe as he nestled his head against Roy's shoulder.

"That was brilliant. Almost as brilliant as 'Gay! A Gay Musical', Moss murmured, and fell asleep straight away.

"Oh, aye?" Jamie said, giving Roy a meaningful look. "Maybe we should go and see it."

"Really?!" Roy said, wincing as the maddening tune of 'I Love Willies' started circling his brain yet again. Christ, he thought, that song's catchy. "Maybe not."

"OK, maybe we'll just meet up an' fuck, then?" Jamie said, caressing Moss's hair.

"Oh alright," Roy said, grinning, his eyes closing, "you silver-tongued bastard, you."

And holding a blissfully sleeping Moss between them, they drifted off to sleep themselves.


	4. Chapter 4

Nicola woke, wincing in the glare of a savage beam of sunlight. God, what a night, she thought, fretting. Malcolm and Jamie both disappearing in the company of total strangers, and God knows where Ollie's wandered off to. I can't even remember getting home. Thank Christ the kids are at Mum's this weekend.

She heard the rustle of bedclothes behind her, and, to her amazement, a pair of arms embracing her. Soft lips kissing her neck. Now, this was something new, she thought he'd have been furious with her.

"Hmmm, James," she murmured, "that's not like you."

She heard a soft rustle of silk.

"Who's James?" murmured a low-pitched, yet distinctly feminine voice.

"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Nicola screamed, sitting bolt-upright. "Who - who the hell are you?!

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. You're Nicola Murray, right?"

"Wha...what are you...shit, where even am I?!" Nicola whimpered.

"You're in my house," the woman explained. "My name's Dr Mendall. You were, shall we say, more than a little incapacitated last night. Can I get you anything?"

Nicola lay back on the back, clutching the sheets to her chest.

"God," she intoned, "if the press ever gets hold of this..."

Dr Mendall chuckled.

"Don't worry, my dear," she intoned. "Even if the press knew about last night, they wouldn't be able to run with it. Mr Tucker and Mr MacDonald were very particular on that point."

Nicola gulped.

"Y-you mean, they're trying to protect me?"

Dr Mendall chuckled, warmly. Her profile in the half-light, with her long lashes and perfect lips, was peculiarly beautiful. Nicola began to feel a warm, golden glow rising and spreading within her, relief and desire mingling.

"You're obviously someone very precious, Mrs Murray."

"Oh, please...call me Nicola."

Dr Mendall raised a gentle, relaxed hand, then paused.

"You - you have such lovely hair. May I...?"

"Go ahead," Nicola whispered back, her heart pounding.

She closed her eyes as Dr Mendall proceeded to comb through her hair with her long fingers, caressing her scalp. After a while, Dr Mendall's hand began to travel down her back, caressing her with slow, sure strokes. Nicola couldn't help arching into her touch.

"There," Dr Mendall cooed, "you like that, don't you? So affectionate. Dear, sweet pussycat Nicola." She leaned in further. "May I...may I kiss you?"

"Please do," Nicola whispered.

And then they were kissing, their hands roaming over each other. Nicola moaned appreciatively as Dr Mendall's thigh pressed between hers, and she anchored her legs around it. Dr Mendall responded by turning her onto her back then straddling her right thigh. Judging by her searing, wet heat, the other woman was every bit as aroused as she was.

"This is...this is so good..." Nicola moaned, pressing forward.

Dr Mendall kissed her again, then slid her free hand between her thigh and Nicola's crotch. Nicola rocked herself against Dr Mendall's fingers, and then her eyes went wide as three of them thrust inside. Christ, she'd always thought the G-spot was a myth, but not...not...anymore...!

Nicola yelled out and thrashed against the sheets as she came, stars bursting behind her eyelids, before collapsing in a blissful heap. Dr Mendall withdrew her fingers, before gathering Nicola up into her arms.

"There, now. How was your first time with a woman?" Dr Mendall purred.

Nicola kissed her in response, before running a hand down the front of Dr Mendall's gorgeous burgundy silk negligee.

"What makes you think," Nicola murmured in her ear, "that was my first time?"


	5. Chapter 5

Ollie woke in his own bed, wincing in the glare of the early morning sunlight. That was some night, he mused. I wish I could remember more of it. Everything became a bit of a blur after Malcolm, Jamie and Nicola left - though, not together, that's interesting. And fuck knows where poor old Glenn went, by the end. Oh well, it's all grist to the rumour mill, he thought.

He turned onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. His alarm clock ticked in the silence, and as he listened, he could hear someone breathing. Turning his head, he spotted a slim shape underneath the duvet. Hmmm, he thought, a smile starting to spread, seems like I've pulled, anyway.

Cautiously, he rolled over towards his companion and spooned up behind them, resting his chin on their shoulder. He closed his eyes, his mind starting to drift...

"LIGHTS! LIGHTS!" the figure screamed suddenly. Ollie's eyes snapped open in alarm, just as they turned to face him, a pair of black-rimmed, haunted eyes staring straight at him from a pallid, cavernous face - 

"AAAAIIIRRRRHHHHH!!" Ollie screamed, scooting backwards until he nearly fell off the bed in a tangle of long, bare limbs, "Who - or what - the fuck are you?!"

The figure looked slightly hurt.

"Well, that's just bloody rude," he intoned, mournfully.

"S-sorry," Ollie stammered, "it's just that, you know, you startled me a bit. What with the make-up and everything."

The figure's eyebrows creased into what looked like a frown.

"What make-up?"

Ollie's face flushed. He decided to try another conversational tack.

"So...ah...did you enjoy the party, then?"

"I am not familiar with the concept of enjoyment," the figure intoned. "But I suppose...it's a change from my normal existence. Behind the red door, in the darkness, with the endless, flickering lights. Itself contained in a dank, dour basement, deep within the bowels of an imposing building..."

"Right, and, er, where would that be?"

"The IT department of Reynholm Industries," the figure said dolefully.

"Hmm. And, and they don't let you out?" Ollie said, feeling genuinely sorry for him.

"Just this once."

Ollie gazed at the stranger. After his initial shock, he was finding his companion quite intriguing, what with their long black hair and impossibly pale skin. A bit like a vampire, he thought.

"I understand," he said. "I've got a shit job, too. You can't understand the concept of misery until you've had to work all night going through thirty boxes of crime stats. And once you've reached Box 29, having to start all over again over a technicality." 

"I understand misery all too well," the stranger said. "Cradle of Filth were most instructive on the subject."

Ollie cleared his throat.

"Right. Sorry - what's your name?"

"Richmond."

"Hello, Richmond. I'm Ollie."

Richmond took Ollie's right hand in his and studied it.

"You have beautiful hands. So delicate. So translucent," he intoned. "I can see your bones."

Ollie frowned. Then a thought struck him.

"You can see my bones, eh?" he said, slyly. "Fancy nibbling on them?"

"I suppose it will fill in the aching void that lies between birth and death," Richmond said, mournfully. "Suggest a location."

"Neck?" Ollie murmured, turning onto his back.

Richmond started nibbling and nipping at Ollie's neck, his bites increasing in strength each time Ollie moaned in pain and pleasure. He knew Richmond was raising some impressive love-bites on his neck and he'd have to wear his collar up at work, but he didn't care. It was wonderful.

"Hold me down," he whispered in Richmond's ear. "Pretend you're taking my soul."

Richmond nodded, rolling on top of Ollie and pinning his slender wrists hard against the bed. They were the same height, and Ollie's breath hitched as their stiff cocks aligned against each other. He thrust his hips upwards, and gasped with delight as Richmond responded and started slowly rutting against him.

"Again," Ollie moaned, "make me yours, Oh Dark Master."

"OK, if you like," Richmond gasped, between bites.

They picked up speed, excitement ricocheting between them, and then Richmond pinned Ollie down, hard, and reared up like a bird of prey preparing to fly off with him. Ollie's head hit the pillow as he moaned, and the two of them came together, warm, creamy come streaming across Ollie's abdomen.

Richmond collapsed onto Ollie, and the two of them held each other, breathing hard. Ollie stroked Richmond's long, black hair.

"How was that?" he murmured.

"Fantastic," Richmond said, breathlessly. "Like a little death. And a bit damp."

Ollie laughed, quietly.

"I like to think it's like life. And a bit damp."

They rolled onto their sides, and held each other, the light failing to bother either of them as they drifted off to sleep.


End file.
